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I’m going on clear liquids for a week to make up for a week of insanity. I hate myself for eating. Why is it so hard just to fucking shut the fridge, or the cupboard door. I struggle so much when I cook for my kids, my husband, the temptation is everywhere. I must be stronger than the temptation. It’s the only way.

Once upon a time I cured my self of my need for pasta by imagining shoving all the pasta I could fit, plus the one food I hate most- mayonnaise- into my mouth at the same time. In this mental game I just kept imagining shoving pasta and mayo into my mouth over and over until I physically backed ill with the thought. I am going there tonight. For the next hour I am making myself on thoughts, and by the time I’m done I will hate pasta.

I hate my thighs. I feel the fat, the flubber, the cellulite. I am sickened by the way the rub, I feel them touching in the shower. My stomach is fat, I can pinch the rolls, I could throw up. How could this happen to me? Food. Disgusting food. I hate me for eating. Ok, I’m going to admit it…. So hard to do. I ate two hamburgers with buns cheese and avacodo yesterday, in the days before that pasta, hotdogs, bread. I probably ate 6 peanut butter & jelly sandwiches this past week. With every bite I knew it was wrong. I chose to eat. I chose to not care. What the fuck! I hate me for this. I hate me so much! Ahhhhhhhhh

I am stronger than what I feel right now.

I am stronger than the need to eat.

I am stronger than the temptation that surrounds me.

I’ve failed my first attempt at ABC diet. But all was not lost. These first two weeks have trained me to stay under 1000 cals a day. Considering I was eating like 2500 before, that’s not too bad, and I am loosing weight, just not as fast as I would have liked. I’ve exercised more than I have in over 10 years, and I don’t plan to stop. I’m going to continue to make my goal 500 cals indefinitely, and if I fail daily, as long as the scales still turns back, I guess I’ll survive. I have 20 days till my bikini. I’d like to hit 118 by then, and 108 by July 4th.

Nothing I love more than when my hip bones start to show through. If only my thighs and ass would catch up to my stomach.

This product is my saving grace. I eat these with miso and have a real 30 cal meal :)

Finally the scale is moving down. It took a few days for it to change at all. I just couldn’t break 130. I hope as I continue with my ABCs this will dwindle.

As I fail each day, I find some comfort in knowing that I’m at least under my regular calorie intake. I’m still eating less than I have for the past year. So it’s still progress.

It’s just the harder I work the faster the reward.

20 lbs to go.